


Twilight Tales

by Ainikki



Category: Canterbury Tales - Geoffrey Chaucer, Twilight (Movies)
Genre: A teacher made me do this, Apologies to Chaucer, Bad Poetry, Do Not Take Seriously, Gen, I mashed up The Canterbury Tales and Twilight ten years ago and someone asked to see it so..., absolute crack, humor?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ainikki/pseuds/Ainikki
Summary: A series of people from all walks of life--fans and non-fans alike--line up to see the first "Twilight" movie on opening night. The narrator, a ticket taker, comments on the various types of fandom he observes and veers into social commentary.Mashup of the "Twilight" movie fandom and Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales," believe it or not.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Edward Cullen/OFC, Jacob Black/OFC
Comments: 10
Kudos: 1





	Twilight Tales

**Author's Note:**

> Long, long, LONG ago, in my medieval literature class, I was tasked to write a version of The Canterbury Tales Prologue with a modern setting and characters. I was tasked to do this in a group that decided on this theme...and then I wrote the poem.
> 
> I protested against the theme very loudly at the time (I am not a "Twilight" fan at all), but I still remember this assignment more than a decade on with a chuckle, so I decided to share it. Mind the tags and have fun, eh?

The Initial Prologue

  1. When evening comes, and the prices rise,
  2. the ticket booths stay open late, and the ice
  3. machines get restocked, stale popcorn thrown out
  4. and brought home by poor workers, who shout
  5. before they leave that they don't envy us.
  6. Outside, I see the lights of the city bus.
  7. I work the night shift, and this night
  8. brings the midnight premiere of the new “Twilight.”
  9. I man my place, and wait for the doors to open;
  10. they come in mobs and cluster before the door, hoping
  11. to get in before eleven-thirty, when
  12. we must open the theater again.
  13. The mob pushes as one being through the doors,
  14. some unlucky helpless people are trampled to the floor.
  15. They have that glazed-over look in their eyes;
  16. they are not aware of me, I am trivialized.
  17. They hand, I rip, they hand, I rip:
  18. I do not even bother to lisp
  19. the usual pleasantries: “Enjoy the show,”
  20. “Have some popcorn”--the show, I already know.
  21. I have already seen it, so it is good that they don't know me.
  22. If I did not reveal everything to them, they would be angry.
  23. My mother always told me that the freaks come out at night.
  24. The same saying applies to these fans of “Twilight.”



The Cheerleader

  1. With golden locks and features lean
  2. There stood in line a drama queen
  3. Who twirled her fingers in her hair
  4. While looking about with an innocent stare.
  5. And about every ten minutes or so
  6. She’d check her image just to know 
  7. That her pouty lips were puckered pink
  8. (To which she’d give herself a little wink).
  9. And while she so anxiously awaited
  10. Her daydreams morphed from thoughts all jaded
  11. That overplayed the victorious scene
  12. Of accepting “best school spirit” in cheerleading.
  13. And during fantasies—to us most sick,
  14. Her mind would imagine the perfect high-kick
  15. That would cause all the boys to sigh
  16. Wishing that they could be her guy.
  17. But little did she realize
  18. The boy behind her fantasized
  19. Often in class, staring across
  20. That he could remove her strawberry lip-gloss.
  21. So when she gossiped to her friends
  22. Of the movie she’d attend
  23. He decided, in homeroom
  24. To show up in a Pattison costume.
  25. And so he did, but to his surprise
  26. It did not capture her fair eyes,
  27. For all his attempts, they were in vain;
  28. For “Jacob” was her true love’s name.



The Jock

  1. Behind her stood the handsome lad
  2. Who in Abercrombie & Finch was clad,
  3. With hair that was so carefully disarrayed
  4. (Which was dyed bronze earlier that day).
  5. Stiffly he stood, and statuesque
  6. Behind the girl he’d hoped to impress
  7. With that fair and deadly expression he’d aspire
  8. To tempt the lady as a fake vampire.
  9. But no amount of glitter or gelled hair
  10. Could hide his dim-witted, vacant stare,
  11. That matched his melancholy mood
  12. To which all replies ended in **_**“whatever, dude.”**_**
  13. For feeling a little out of place
  14. He shifted in his confined space
  15. And pulled out his new high-tech phone
  16. Texting his friends that were at home.
  17. But if they’d ask him what he was doing
  18. He’d lie and say he was out basketballing
  19. Or practicing for the “big game”
  20. (For truly he reveled in high school fame).
  21. No sport there be that he’d not win
  22. Run, pass, swim, throw—easy they’d been,
  23. So never would he admit to the team
  24. That in this line he could be seen.
  25. But stand he did, with watchful eye
  26. Lest that a teammate happen by
  27. To which he would his collar straighten
  28. And hide behind the popular maiden.



The Joker

  1. Also in line was the class clown.
  2. His appearance sent whispers all around.
  3. All the other kids knew why he appeared
  4. His intentions were just as they feared.
  5. He wrote for the school newspaper’s editorial page;
  6. His scathing movie reviews were all the rage.
  7. No one could forget his brutal review
  8. Of "Twilight" when it was first new.
  9. Edward, he said, made vampires look bad.
  10. To call him one was really quite sad.
  11. And since when do sparkly skin, really big hair
  12. And being so pale you cause a glare
  13. Fall into the list of vampire traits?
  14. No wonder this kid doesn’t have any mates.
  15. Yes, with narrowed eyes and toothy smile
  16. This jokester used all his guile
  17. To pick apart movies until he found
  18. Every cliché that was around:
  19. The girl chased by the monster up the stairs,
  20. The corporate husband having affairs,
  21. The beautiful woman married to an overweight slob,
  22. The cop who actually works for the mob.
  23. He tore these films apart with a kind of glee
  24. That any bystander could easily see.
  25. Waiting in line with "Twilight" fans,
  26. I could tell he was already making plans
  27. On how to exploit their rabid obsession
  28. With his both his sense of humor and aggression.



The English Teacher

  1. Then there was an English teacher
  2. Who was attending this special feature.
  3. To her students, she was overly strict,
  4. She nearly faints when verb tenses contradict.
  5. A stern lover of Dickinson and Poe,
  6. To “lol” in class would not be apropos.
  7. With her hair tightly back and her sweater clasped shut,
  8. She was least likely of all to know “what’s what.”
  9. She told her colleagues at the school
  10. That she was attending as an enriching tool
  11. To get to know what the “young ones” are into.
  12. But to leave it at that would be untrue.
  13. You see, this empty-nester divorcee
  14. Was there for the onscreen hot guy buffet.
  15. She hungers to sink her teeth into Edward Cullen
  16. And spread a bit of Jacob Black on a bun.
  17. Not since Colin Firth played Darcy in Bridget Jones’s Diary
  18. Has she felt so alive and her tenders so fiery.
  19. She’d spent many a night under the electric quilt,
  20. Reading the series and imagining, with guilt,
  21. That she was young Bella, caught in Edward's strong arms.
  22. Her breath quickens just to think of his charms.
  23. But she mustn’t let her guard down tonight,
  24. For she sees a student or two in plain sight.
  25. She carries lesson plans and a copy of Oedipus Rex
  26. Surely no one will suspect she’s thinking of sex.
  27. To the average onlooker, she is merely a chaperone,
  28. Out with her daughter’s young friends, who aren’t quite on their own.
  29. “Yes,” she thinks to herself, “no one will guess
  30. That I am mentally making these young men undress.”



The Band Geek

  1. There was a boy who played in the high school's band,
  2. who was sloppy, filthy, and wearing a sweat-soaked headband.
  3. I was sure I had never seen him before;
  4. he had been dragged through the door
  5. by two cosplaying friends. He swore.
  6. His shirt was smarmy and sarcastic;
  7. Punk Rock and Pink Floyd were emblazoned in plastic.
  8. He had not bathed in a week at least;
  9. chunks of dead skin coated his scalp, and grease
  10. oozed from every overly clogged pore.
  11. He picked aggressively at a weeping sore,
  12. and wiped the pus on the shirt of one of his forceful friends.
  13. I decided I liked him, right there and then.
  14. His friends kept trying to push cosmetics onto his face;
  15. when they were done he looked like he would tase
  16. the lot of them when they got home.
  17. It was easy to see that he had been reluctant to come,
  18. which made me wonder why he had;
  19. the movie would only make him mad.
  20. Then I noticed that one of the cosplayers with him
  21. had a medical alert bracelet, and as I skimmed
  22. the other’s face, I saw dark glasses—
  23. he was blind. The boy in the band had
  24. driven them because they were his friends.
  25. I understood why he would—we choose our friends, and them,
  26. I pressed his hand after I ripped his ticket,
  27. and though greasy moisture stained my hand as if he'd licked it,
  28. I could tell he appreciated the support.



Church Girl

  1. There was a girl so true in her piety
  2. A model for every Christian society.
  3. Some would say she was truly blessed
  4. For she channeled God through her protest
  5. Of any film that offended or shamed
  6. No matter how popular or acclaimed.
  7. She flinched at all violence and found crude
  8. Any movie containing a nude.
  9. And of course she quickly found blame
  10. If any film should use God’s name
  11. In speech outside of a prayer.
  12. And I couldn’t help noticing what she would wear:
  13. A skirt that reached down to her feet
  14. Her clothes were pressed and always neat.
  15. Her hair was long and brown and straight
  16. And fashioned in a modest plait.
  17. Her eyes were as blue as Mary’s own shroud
  18. And she had voice to capture any crowd.
  19. She came to picket "Twilight",
  20. Had been at the theater since before first light. 
  21. There was nothing more evil than a vampire,
  22. She said, nothing there to admire
  23. Or lust after or aspire to. Werewolves as well
  24. Were the half-breed spawn of hell.
  25. Yes, she spoke of fire and brimstone,
  26. of people burning, into hell thrown.
  27. There was passion in her words, and belief
  28. And while everyone else gave her grief
  29. I had to admit, she was quite devout.
  30. So when the manager said to **_**throw her out**_**
  31. I said I would, but that wasn’t the truth.
  32. I let her hand out pamphlets at the ticket booth.



Epilogue

  1. And now they are gone, and the theater is calm.
  2. A hush comes over everything; I can hear my pulse
  3. and one other thing, something more—
  4. a voice that says, **_**“Meet me inside the door?”**_**
  5. I hear the commercials begin, and I forgo my qualms
  6. and follow the poor wretched movie-pilgrims
  7. to theater eleven, where I head towards
  8. the English teacher, whom I know
  9. as well as you might think I do.



The movie starts. . .

**Author's Note:**

> Keep in mind that I was also forced to perform this in front of others. That was a thing that I did.
> 
> I'll show myself out now...


End file.
